"Metaphor", as typed by a 13-year old whose only joy is abbreviation

Death metal snowman writes what she knows

The old and crabby old seal gripes about the times, notably about how they have changed

The only certainty in life is death and explosive possession of your skeleton after it

"Yes," thinks the diarrhea-ridden stormcloud, "telling her about my bowel movements will make for a great pick-up line"

Angry bald man is enthusiastic about his hatred for chairs