Comments

• aruaruaru   5 years ago

  IRCC, PLEASE BE GENTLE, PLEASE BE TENDER. he wants me here forever and is willing to fight for me...

  Editing your comment: IRCC, PLEASE BE GENTLE, PLEASE BE TENDER. he wants me here forever and is willing to fight for me...

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• aruaruaru   5 years ago

  @jombee: no me. wtf am iiiiiiiiiiii doing??

  Editing your comment: @jombee: no me. wtf am iiiiiiiiiiii doing??

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• Ghost Player    5 years ago

  idk, I'm mentally tearing myself apart. Completely unrelated to anything, but I've really gotten into Coil recently. The Ape of Naples totally wrecked me, it's such a beautiful album. I don't know what the point of this comment is, I guess I just wanted to tell someone about it. Sorry.

  Editing your comment: idk, I'm mentally tearing myself apart. Completely unrelated to anything, but I've really gotten into Coil recently. The Ape of Naples totally wrecked me, it's such a beautiful album. I don't know what the point of this comment is, I guess I just wanted to tell someone about it. Sorry.

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• aruaruaru   5 years ago

  don't be sorry. I have been tearing myself apart mentally too. and it has nothing to do with being ashamed with my shitty doodles here on doodleordie like one might think. it has to do with being worried about the future (will I have to go back to the US in October and be alone and even more depressed again?, is my bf really going to help me stay here?, will I ever get into med school?, am I too dumb and autistic for my dream occupation?...it goes on ), being insecure (why is my bf with me when there are positive&amp;hot happy shiny people out there?), and feeling undeserving and not good enough. feeling like I could be my own undoing. I have had intrusive suicidal thoughts lately. they just pop up in my head when I'm feeling really bad. but I don't even want to die. and I feel guilty for wanting the easy way out of things (getting married to stay here instead of the much more difficult and near-impossible and lengthy routes...and wanting to just delete myself and disappear)<br />I wonder if sadness and disorder is something I crave. I almost seek it inside me. I should be happy I'm with my boyfriend like I always wanted to. he points out to me 'why do you write all this stuff (negative stuff) and not nice things about me?' ...nnnh :( its just that I get the itch that i HAVE to write the bad stuff out or else I squirm and it festers inside me like a cancer. the nice stuff is fine and can stay cozy inside my head and I just tell him the nice things anyway

  Editing your comment: don't be sorry. I have been tearing myself apart mentally too. and it has nothing to do with being ashamed with my shitty doodles here on doodleordie like one might think. it has to do with being worried about the future (will I have to go back to the US in October and be alone and even more depressed again?, is my bf really going to help me stay here?, will I ever get into med school?, am I too dumb and autistic for my dream occupation?...it goes on ), being insecure (why is my bf with me when there are positive&amp;hot happy shiny people out there?), and feeling undeserving and not good enough. feeling like I could be my own undoing. I have had intrusive suicidal thoughts lately. they just pop up in my head when I'm feeling really bad. but I don't even want to die. and I feel guilty for wanting the easy way out of things (getting married to stay here instead of the much more difficult and near-impossible and lengthy routes...and wanting to just delete myself and disappear)<br />I wonder if sadness and disorder is something I crave. I almost seek it inside me. I should be happy I'm with my boyfriend like I always wanted to. he points out to me 'why do you write all this stuff (negative stuff) and not nice things about me?' ...nnnh :( its just that I get the itch that i HAVE to write the bad stuff out or else I squirm and it festers inside me like a cancer. the nice stuff is fine and can stay cozy inside my head and I just tell him the nice things anyway

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• Ghost Player    5 years ago

  Hey, I don't know if this means anything, but don't feel guilty for the way you're feeling, cause all this stuff you're going through seems very exhausting. I wish I could say something more encouraging, but I genuinely hope everything goes well for you.

  Editing your comment: Hey, I don't know if this means anything, but don't feel guilty for the way you're feeling, cause all this stuff you're going through seems very exhausting. I wish I could say something more encouraging, but I genuinely hope everything goes well for you.

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• aruaruaru   5 years ago (edited: 5 years ago)

  thank you. you hoping it goes well for me is nice enough! it warms me up inside. these things I'm going through are indeed exhausting. (ugh here we go again, more text from me. sorry JoMbz) my boyfriend is helping me through it a bit but it exhausts him as well when I start talking crazy (all worried and insecure). we were talking this morning after waking up and I told him 'I want you to control my thoughts' because I feel like I can't think for myself anymore without my thinking going into dark and negative places. he said 'don't think about hot thots seducing me, don't think about going back to the U.S., don't think about me telling you to leave forever' (the silly things I'm worrying about) 'think about the nice future and think about the book 'The Secret'' and I told him that book sounds dumb and I don't know what The Secret is. I even asked if that is a fictional book that was on The Simpsons lol. and he said 'if you think bad stuff is going to happen, then you will sabotage yourself and the outcome will be as bad as you thought, but if you think good things, then you will get the good outcome' and I was silent for a bit thinking 'IM FUCKED' and 'I need a lobotomy' but also that yeaaaah I will try it so I stop sabotaging myself, stop annoying him with the same things over and over, and I will be fun again. like when I more shut off from the world, my mind was more clean, I was a blissful idiot. more happy and secure. I asked him 'what should I do today? while you're gone (at work)? something healthy?' he says 'yeeeeah, healthy. do something creative. and show me when I get back.'. I asked him to tell me what to draw/paint (he wants me to do it on paper, not DOD, and I don't want to draw on DOD either for now) because I end up drawing just people, so he says draw Quaker (a bird I had that's a quaker parrot that I had to give up when I moved) and I said no because it'll make me sad soooo I guess i'm making a raven drawing or painting today per his request. I told him I have an idea for it and he patted my head and said its nice for already having an idea. I wanna draw/paint a raven doing its croaky-caw with its beak open and its neck feathers all fluffed out! *thinks about ravens* coooooool. SO fucking sorry about alllllll this and all the unnecessary dialogue-shit. achkgh

  Editing your comment: thank you. you hoping it goes well for me is nice enough! it warms me up inside. these things I'm going through are indeed exhausting. (ugh here we go again, more text from me. sorry JoMbz) my boyfriend is helping me through it a bit but it exhausts him as well when I start talking crazy (all worried and insecure). we were talking this morning after waking up and I told him 'I want you to control my thoughts' because I feel like I can't think for myself anymore without my thinking going into dark and negative places. he said 'don't think about hot thots seducing me, don't think about going back to the U.S., don't think about me telling you to leave forever' (the silly things I'm worrying about) 'think about the nice future and think about the book 'The Secret'' and I told him that book sounds dumb and I don't know what The Secret is. I even asked if that is a fictional book that was on The Simpsons lol. and he said 'if you think bad stuff is going to happen, then you will sabotage yourself and the outcome will be as bad as you thought, but if you think good things, then you will get the good outcome' and I was silent for a bit thinking 'IM FUCKED' and 'I need a lobotomy' but also that yeaaaah I will try it so I stop sabotaging myself, stop annoying him with the same things over and over, and I will be fun again. like when I more shut off from the world, my mind was more clean, I was a blissful idiot. more happy and secure. I asked him 'what should I do today? while you're gone (at work)? something healthy?' he says 'yeeeeah, healthy. do something creative. and show me when I get back.'. I asked him to tell me what to draw/paint (he wants me to do it on paper, not DOD, and I don't want to draw on DOD either for now) because I end up drawing just people, so he says draw Quaker (a bird I had that's a quaker parrot that I had to give up when I moved) and I said no because it'll make me sad soooo I guess i'm making a raven drawing or painting today per his request. I told him I have an idea for it and he patted my head and said its nice for already having an idea. I wanna draw/paint a raven doing its croaky-caw with its beak open and its neck feathers all fluffed out! *thinks about ravens* coooooool. SO fucking sorry about alllllll this and all the unnecessary dialogue-shit. achkgh

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